As I’m writing this, my little gal, V is asleep in bed. My husband is also sleeping. We have had a sleep deprived few weeks with illness and teething and I really should take this extra half hour to catch a little undisturbed sleep. But here I am at the computer, unsure where the keys will take me tonight.
I’ve been in a bit of a writing funk lately. We’ve had a visit from my in-laws and during this time, I posted my prepared posts and I’ve only had an hour or so in the past month to do any writing. I’m out of practice. And out of topics…there are many things on my mind that I won’t write about. Stories that are not mine to share. Rants on the state of the universe that I don’t feel ennobled or impassioned or informed enough to write. I’m out of energy, out of time, my house is in a shambles, our routines are off-kilter, and I feel like hibernating into the rhythms of family and comfort.
I’m looking forward to some visits from my parents soon. First my mother, stepfather, and brother will come for V’s 2nd birthday. It will be a low-key visit at our house and I know V will love spending time with them. Later, my dad will visit us for Thanksgiving week; we’ll do some catching up and I look forward to a relaxing time with him.
It has been a while since I’ve had a date night with my husband. I’d like to connect over a fun evening where we can have a conversation not punctuated by rushes to the potty with our little gal, or replaying the same adorable but repetitive conversations about Darth Vader and Star Wars (her current obsession) that we’ve so frequently regurgitated over the past several weeks.
I’d like an evening to paint; something I haven’t done since my daughter was born, now two years ago. I’ve forgotten the feeling of surrendering to an emotionally creative flow, rather than the intellectual creativity that I rely upon in my writing. Painting and drawing are almost a meditative activity for me; I get lost in the creation and my focus is completely drawn into recreating the light and shadows of my subject (usually a person or a landscape). I hope to put down my pen and pick up my brush sometime soon.
I want a day with V where I don’t have anything else to pull my attention away; a day where we can play and enjoy each other, have dance parties in the living room and work on “ahrt projects” and run around outside. We need a day where I don’t have the weight of unfinished duties competing with my time with her.
I want to get my house back in order; the dust accumulation and clutter and chaos always reflects in my internal state and when order reigns, I am able to (literally) breathe easier.
I want to figure out my writing goals for the next year. I have to prioritize some things. I have a story idea for the paper I began writing for last year and I have to decide whether I want to pursue that commitment again. I want to revise and submit some more poems (I did not meet my goals for this year, as our schedule got the better of me), and figure out how best to continue my education and network as a poet. I have to figure out whether I want to narrow or broaden my focus on my blog and somehow lessen the load a bit without sacrificing so much that it falls by the wayside, another partially begun then abandoned project. I need to take the next step to flesh out my identity as a writer.
But mostly, I’d like to curl up for a whole day, by myself, and sleep undisturbed. I’d like to sit outside with a cup of coffee and just watch the birds and the ripples on the pond they call a lake in this suburban community. I’d like to take a long walk to see the fall colors with my notebook and stop to write a poem if I feel like it. I’d like to take a long, scalding bubble bath and listen to some meditative music. I need to rest, to restore some of the missing energy I have so I can again declutter my life and make emotional space for my family and my writing again.
Somehow, I’ll make it all happen. But for tonight, with my disheveled thoughts now listed on the screen, I’ll put the goals and wishes away for a bit and retreat into the long desired sleep that will hopefully enable me to begin the path to a restored spirit. What gives you a sense of renewal?